3 years...

Maybe some of you missed it...

Maybe some of you didn't.

But 3 years passed by yesterday (according to the clock, 2 days ago...)

I was busy during the day. I was busy during the night. Still doesn't stop me from remembering... or catching glimpses.

I feel like I NEED to cry. Like I need to let out what was, what is, and what will be...

It's a little different this year tho...

I see his face. I remember his laugh. I remember the way he used to cock his head back before he laughed. I see his face, clear as day...

I can see it in my head... almost like it's real.

I still feel it.

I wonder some days... would he laugh at Izeah? Would he be mad at Zane for what I'm mad at? Would he want to raise the boys like we're raising them? What would he believe, want, need?

But I can't answer that.

I can only know what I would do.

And I'm OK with that. Probably for the rest of my life.

It feels like yesterday... when I stroked his cheek, praying against all medical knowledge I have that he would feel me touching him and wake up. That God would hear my prayers and wake him from his eternal sleep.... but he didn't.

I was ready for that life... but it didn't happen. It went horribly awry. And today, I'm still here. it's not fair, it's not predicatable. It's life.

I know my thoughts are scattered and jumbled, but that's ok too. I've tried for days to think of a blog post that is nice, sincere, and heart felt... but I can't find it. I can only tell you my most honest emotion. And this is probably it...

I still cry... it still sucks. It's still in my everyday thoughts. I bore his children and yet, I'm still here to raise them and he is gone.

I went to mass on the his "anniversary" day. Still don't get it... still wondering how all that faith stuff works...

Any who's... now I'm rambling :)

All I ask, is that you remember who you love. Never be too tired, never be too busy, and never forget to tell someone you love them. I know it's cliche, but it really, seriously, honestly... could be your last chance to say that. Would you regret it?

Love you all (like the 5 people who read this :))

Dana

The "not like us" talk...

Title is confusing huh?

Well, I took the boys down to the river for a walk tonight and of course, weird encounters seem to follow me where ever I go! :)

I was sitting on a bench letting the boys throw rocks in the river... cause they love to just throw rocks for some reason... and a man came walking by with a stroller. In the stroller was a handicapped person, not a child.

First, I have to jump on my soap box but I'll be off quickly. It really makes me sad when people are rude to handicapped persons. I once got into a fight with the kids at school for making fun of one of my handicapped friends. There is no reason to stare, gawk, whisper, or make fun of some one with a disability. Instead, we should all have compassion, or even just neutrality when encountering someone with a handicap or mental disabilities.

Anywhos... this man comes walking by and I say hi.... The boys are playing/watching from the side of the walk way. Zane says, "Is that a baby?" (mind you, he's 4!) The man says no, he's 23. Then he starts to talk to me about how he hates it when people stare at him and his child. How people don't know how to treat someone in his situation. I'm casually nodding my head and agreeing with him. The poor guy must have had people staring at him on this walk apparently. Zane then walks up and says hi to the handicapped man. His father stops and talks to the boys... tells them thank you for being nice to his son. Then.... much to my dismay... I hear Izeah say, "He looks DEAD!"

OH.MY.GOD.

Thankfully, I don't think the man heard cause Zane was busy saying hi and bye to his child. Thank you JESUS!

I figured it was the appropriate time to have "a talk" with Izeah about people different then us.

We talked about how fortunate we all are. We all have the use of our legs, our arms, our hands. We can all talk and our brains work.... We can throw rocks in the river while this man is pushed in his stroller, unable to communicate. We should never stare or say things that would hurt someone's feelings.

I think it went well :)

Totally random post. Guess I just feel blessed tonight that I am fully capable. I also feel so much compassion for that man. Taking care of his son. Some people would shuck that responsibility.... this man was so proudly walking his son along the beautiful Mississippi River, enjoying the sounds and smells of nature.

I only hope I can influence my children with the same attitude.... :)