Sunday, November 25, 2007

Why Miles To Go Before I Sleep?

Well, I'm new to this blogging thing but I have enjoyed reading some close friends blogs and I feel this is a wonderful way to let myself out of my head and to help in the journey of learning who I am and what I'm intended for in this big world.... So I will just start rambling....

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

A beautiful poem. I think many people can interpret it in many different ways. Some take it at face value and others dig deeper into the meaning of what he had written....

I was young and vibrant when I met Ryan. We fell in love, young love. It was enchanting. I was learning to be an adult at the same time but somehow I got lost along the way. We learned to be adults together but let many people influence our way of thinking. We had three babies together. Beautiful boys that brought a new meaning to growing up into our world. However the world got the best of us. We gave in on raising our children in a beautiful, natural, and fully loving way and dug our way into a normal society. We both worked long and exhausting days together and came home to a house full of love but over burdened by the stress in our days. We loved each other deeply but it was often clouded by anger, and exhaustion, and feelings caused by the pressure we felt to "do everything right". We didn't take the time to notice many of the things we should have, to laugh more easily, to love more freely, to spend quality time together, as a family, as a couple. Then one day it all ended. No, not ended but changed..... Ryan died. In our front yard. Suddenly . Breathing one minute and a machine breathing for him the next. My whole world changed. In the 24 hours it took for his body to stop working and for me to realize he needed to move on to the next place he was meant to be, my world changed. I held on to his hand and laid my head onto his chest. I felt his last heart beat and said good by to the man I didn't realize how much I actually loved until he was gone. Sure I was angry and sad and felt rejected by life itself. How could this happen to me?

Yet, truely in my heart, it was supposed to happen to me. There is no answer to why me..... it just is what it is and I have to accept that.... and it has taught me a great deal.... Ryan died young, too young as we all would say. He had so much more that he could have done and so much that he left undone. There where many things that we put off until tomorrow. Sure we accomplished a lot in life at young ages but there is so much more left to do...... So I made this a permanent statement on my body. A tribute to the man who impacted my life through his years here living with me and through his passing. So that I will always remember that I have much more to do and discover in my life before I die. I have Miles To Go before I Sleep..... My journey started that day and I want to remember it forever.......

Ryan with Zakari and Zane early in the morning

Ryan with Zane and Izeah, loving his children.....

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