Wednesday, December 5, 2007

To be or not to be......

That is the question of the week for myself. To be or not to be.... gainfully employed that is.....

My reasoning as to why I should quit my job and quiet this internal arguement raging in my head....

***Caution before reading: It is a rambling of the rage and discontent I have for my job, the people I work with, the health insurance spectrum and my own loss of personnal time and family time. So if you have virgin ears or just don't care, then stop reading now!

(in no particular order)

Reason #1: Really, how many fucking BEIJO purses are there?

I know that I own 3. I even like the purses personally (they are nice and very easy to clean off which is important with kiddos around). I have even been to a BEIJO purse party and it wasn't too bad.... BUT SERIOUSLY I think some people are down right obsessed with owning every fucking color there is..... AND it is the topic of conversation at least once a day in the office. Boring, gag me, I think I vomitted a little bit in my mouth. You almost have to join the "BEIJO purse club" to be part of the clique around here.... if you walk in to the break room right now, there is a blue one, a red one, a brown one, and an ugly purple/pink colored one..... I have worked here for 6 months and there have been 2 purse orders in already.... this all from a sum total of about 12 employees.... can we move past the purses yet? please?

Reason #2: I am not normal.

First off, my definition of "normal" is whatever actions, thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors a person projects or does that society as a whole deems acceptable is considered a normal person.

WordNet says:

adjective 1. conforming with or constituting a norm or standard or level or type or social norm; not abnormal; "serve wine at normal room temperature"; "normal diplomatic relations"; "normal working hours"; "normal word order"; "normal curiosity"; "the normal course of events" [ant: abnormal]

Nope, not normal. My life is not normal. My kids are not normal. My house is not normal. My life has been screwed up, fucked up, turned upside down, broken apart and glued back together again. I don't hide any of this. I talk openly and freely and feel that sharing with someone is very therapuetic. However.... all day long, I feel like I am surrounded by perfection.... people striving to be normal in every way possible. People with normal relationships, working normal jobs, working normal hours, having normal conversation. Boring in my book. Personally i find it very mundane every morning to discuss what my husband (which i don't have) fixed for dinner, what the kids played with (mine run around the house with scissors, screaming and fighting), how the children slept (who really cares as long as we all sleep?), and what I'm going shopping for today at the mall on my lunch break (unless there is a mandatory reason for shopping on lunch, there is no way in hell I would do it with my hour of free time). Now I'm not saying these things are bad..... but unless something is significant about our home lives, then lets talk about something else worth while like our health care system, the schedules that nurses keep, economics, or even (***gag me***) politics! I appreciate and accept another person who is not normal, who strives to be different, who thinks of their own accord, who embraces the fact that our lives are special and why should we all be striving to be the same?

Reason #3: Health Insurane

So.... when i quit my job at the hospital after Ryan passed.... I payed an insane amount for Cobra health insurance. It was in the ball park of 700 bucks a month for me and the three boys. I must have not been thinking clearly to be paying that much for health insurance.... well, I missed a payment and was dropped. All I could say was THANK GOD because I pulled my head out of my ass and put the boys on Medicaid. Izeah and Zane both needed surgery for Obstructive Sleep Apnea (their tonsils resemble golf balls) and Medicaid pays for all of it. Well then I got this job, working 3 days a week but enough to qualify for health insurance again.... so me being the good citizen I am, I decided to NOT use the state aid and put the boys back on health insurance for their surgeries..... HA! Or so I thought.... No, it's a pre-existing condition apparently since I ran into difficult times. SOOOOOO..... here I am working basically ONLY for health insurance, BASICALLY only for one purpose (to fix the boys), stressing out about this.... but if I quit, I can get them back on Medicaid and get the surgeries paid for completely..... does that make sense? It makes NO sense at all to me!!! Trying to be a good citizen and they are punished for it..... NOT to mention that I wouldn't be able to take the time off for the surgeries unless i filed for FMLA and I don't even know if that's possible...... Fucked up health care system that I work for....

Reason #4: My kids and their time.

There are a lot of single parents in this world and I have some great empathy for them now.... Most jobs are NOT family friendly. When I was hired I stated FROM the beginning that my children come first.... above any job I will ever have.... yet still, when they were sick in the last couple months, I have been scolded. I have been "warned" about my absences. I have felt guilty for letting people down and for calling in sick. I have felt like an ass. Why? Well, I don't think I'm going to anymore.... why should I feel like an ass for being a good mother? Why do I work in a health care job that is stressed when I, one person, can't come in? Why isn't there another nurse to help out at the office? Seriously, I work at the same office that I TAKE them to when they are ill..... Clearly I am not playing hooky, or so I think!?! Hmmmmm..... sure, i wish i had a husband to help out or a reliable support system to fall back on but when it all boils down, I am their mother, I am their care giver, I am their life, as they are mine..... Eat it, seriously, I am calling in sick for good I think :)

Reason #5: Involvement

While I may be a stay at home mom, I still don't keep them at home. I have found a very reliable in home day care that excels at it's preschool program and I know my children are loved and educated, each at their own pace and with no pressure. Therefore I get involved while they are learning. I enjoy being there at Zak's school, being a PTA mom, going on field trips, going to special events at preschool, taking all of them to school and picking them up, letting them know I am there even though I'm not there ALL the time. Sure, I wish I could be a stay at home mom but it takes time to run a household and I try to keep it running. However I miss that time that i had staying home to be involved with them and their lives and their education system.... If I'm going to send them TO school, I want to be there to support it and challenge it when I feel it is not meeting expectations.

Well, I'm out of time for now but I'm sitting here looking at these 5 reasons and I can't honestly think of one GOOD reason to stay. Not one pro versus each con. Sure a small side income is nice, but it's not everything in the whole grand scheme of things. We can all learn to live a more simple life to get us through to where I can go back to a fulfilling job that I enjoy (yeah, I'll figure that one out later....) So I think it's time.... time to ball up to the plate and give the great two weeks notice.... i'm sure i will feel much better.....

Wish me luck!!!


3 moons and the sea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John said...

You don't need luck. You did it! And, I want you to know I think it was very brave of you.

Love you.

donna said...

all the luck in the world, you sound like a courageous and beautiful person, and wonderful mother.I will be checking back to see how you are getting on.
I am honoured that you have listed my blog as inspirational ( not how I see myself at all!)