Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Fight Inside My Head

Sounds really dumb, and actually, it usually only happens bout this time of year. I think it has a lot to do with the weather, and just generally feeling all cooped up inside the house. I love winter, don't get me wrong, but usually by say... JANUARY FIRST I wanna tell miss mother nature to knock it off and let me sit outside for awhile, with out freezing my tooshie off. Maybe it's because I'm sittin' here listening to Lily Allen (who I LOVE, have seen once and am goin to see again this Easter!!!)

And, it usually only comes to a head when I've had a few beers and time to think by myself with out any distractions....
I swear I have a double personality. Let me enlighten you....
SIDE 1: I love being a mommy. I love being a part-time-workin' mostly stay at home mommy. I love my children to the ends of the earth and back again. I love cookin' up meals and sittin' on the couch knitting. I even love mom jeans (HA HA! JUST JOKING! Had you fooled didn't I???)

I don't even really mind keeping my house clean (but I still HATE laundry). I love learning how to live more simply. I love the idea and fantasy of living on a farm with my family and watching us all evolve naturally and with out restriction. I love being in love with -jd. I love the idea that I'm going to be his wife soon and can't wait.

SIDE 2: I am such a free bird asshole, it's ridiculous. I love going out and partying until the sun comes up. I love dancing in the clubs (dear god, not here, but places like Chicago, South Beach, etc.) until they close. I love drinking some good beer and having a bonfire with friends. I like getting all stupid with them and waking up the next day thinking to myself, "Did we really do THAT???".

I love going to concerts, outdoor or indoor, I don't care. I love going to music festivals (Bonnaroo, SummerCamp, Langerado, Lollapalooza to name a few). I love meeting new people and making great friends. I love being a smart mouth, blunt, bitchy person, especially to really dumb males. I love independent thinking and actions.

See what I mean??? And when I think of the two, it seriously puzzles the shiznit out of me. I CAN NOT do both and be a sane person. I have done both at seperate parts of my life and each time, one was hindered by the other.
I would go to a music festival and yet I was the "responsible" one... packed everything needed, stayed all squeaky clean, didn't get all messed up like the next person.... and you know why? Because I'm a mother of three children. Yet when I'm inside all winter trying to entertain 3 children, and when we do finally go out and even going to the local bar has lost it's appeal.... I want to scream, throw my arms out, and stomp my damn feet! I CAN NOT, I repeat, I CAN NOT be in this house for any extended period of time with out feeling mildly suffocated.
I think a lot of this has to do with John and I as well (yes, I know you're reading this!). I remember when we first started dating, we both loved our single lives. We promised not to give up our friends, our fun times, or our dreams. Yet we fell into the trap. The trap of spending ALL our time together.... and don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE spending time with John and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We can have the greatest time doing nothing but sitting and talking for hours.... but I'm at a point now where I need to still be little old independent me and feel secure in knowing you are still going to be there. I'm sure (as of tonight when I kicked John out of the house) he feels slightly similar.

So there you have it. That's the fight inside my head. The Mature and Immature butting heads.

The problem is that I love BOTH sides. I don't want to give either one up. I enjoy each for it's own value. You can't be a good mom or life partner with out knowing and being yourself. And I can have a fantastic time and still respect who I am at home.

So now it's convergence time.... I need to learn how to make these two halves of myself meet in the middle. I'm workin' on it, and hopefully it won't take long....

And now... it's time for another beer... and no more computer! :-)


ChiTown Girl said...

OK, I have absolutely NO words of wisdom regarding what you posted about, but I just had to tell you that I LOVE how the pictures I took of you guys keep popping up here! ;-)

Miles To Go Before I Sleep...... said...


I figure you're working late at the bar by now :-)

i love that picture actually... and me, being a dumbass actually deleted it from my hardrive! Can you send me a not-so-small copy?


C said...

i think its ok to have both sides to your personalitiy. they are BOTH you. you just have bounderies when you need to, when you're being the MOM, to set good examples and all that stuff.... for the kidlets. i do too. i can be your average mild mannered reporter one minute and zip into the partying dancing on the speakers lesbian when i go out, the next. we're women. we can do what we want to. we dont have to fit nicely tucked into ANY category.
where as men are men no matter when! heehee

your kiddos are beautiful. was that their dad they lost? i'm so sorry, hon.

take care.


isnt that chichi just a doll, tho?
i love that bitch.


Miles To Go Before I Sleep...... said...

Thanks C :-) And welcome to my bloggy land!

You're right, I can fit into any category... being a woman does help that a bit ;-) Honestly, last night I was SOOO feeling the winter blues too I think! yucky thing that is. it usually happens after we have some warm "teaser" days of nice weather and then it gets all cold again...

Yes, it was their daddy that we lost. There's a link in my sidebar if you want to see pics of him and his family :-)

And yes... She is hilarious ;-)

Nice to "meet" you!

LiLu said...

I love love love Lily Allen's new song! And you're just a chameleon... it works for me. I'm totally different in different scenarios, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

-jd said...


Good luck trying to find the balance you are looking for in your life. It is a constant struggle, one that we share both together and seperately. I understand, and I'm always here for you...except in the are way too much DANA in the morning. But, I love you.