Hmmmm..... what do I say?

Hmmmm.....

Two years ago to the minute I was sitting in the ICU waiting for Ryan to die. Watching him die. Crying.... and smoking.... talking to doctors.... changing the gauze in his ears..... talking to his family.... unable to sleep.... eyes fixated on the monitor....

It was bloody. It was mean. It was cruel. It was all the things you wish will never happen to you and they do, in front of your eyes. And all you can do is blink.

I knew what the doctors were saying. Unresponsive on the scene. Intubated. Displaced, depressed, comminuted skull fractures. Stroke, first in the left, then in the right. Disseminated intravascular coagulation, massive hemorrhage. Multi-system organ failure, cardiac arrest, brain death, respiratory dependency. Life sustaining platelet infusions, blood transfusions, no response. DNR, comfort measures. Pull the plug, turn the machine off. In 24 hours, my knowledge and understanding was tested over and over again, until I gave up. Until I realized that all those big words meant two words. Ryan's dead.

I find it amazing that I can still sit here today and I can remember every single second of those hours. I can play them over and over in my head and not forget one single thing. Most of my days I don't let myself remember, or better yet, feel what happened that day. But today, this weekend, tomorrow, I let myself remember. I don't talk about it too openly, but I find comfort in feeling that pain. In feeling the hurt and the sadness that hides in a little place in my heart. It feels good to cry for me, for him, for my boys, for his family. It feels natural and raw to be so exposed to the other part of our life's cycle.

I also remember so much more then all the gore and anger and hurt. I remember that my kids don't get to kiss their daddy good night anymore. So I try with all my might to hug and kiss my dad, and mom, and family every night before bed. I remember that some parents don't get to watch their children grow up. I try to pay attention everyday on how my children are growing up and notice every little detail of their face, arms, legs, body. I know that some lovers don't grow old together. So I try to appreciate every minute with my lover now, the bad and the good. I know that your life can just be over. No reason or foreshadowing, just done, and I want to go knowing I did my very best at everything I could do while I was here.

I learned that life can change in the blink of an eye. Cliche, I know, but so very true. It changed that day and is still changing. No one can stop it. It's something bigger and more powerful then our feeble minds can understand. Many of my friends have changed, my focus in life has changed. My career is changing. My desires and wants and needs are changing.....

Some things haven't changed though....

My family. I love my family. Even in the trials of life, they will be there for you in the end. Mom, thank you for always being there for me and loving me. Thank you for coming to the hospital that day and sitting quietly and feeling my sadness with me. Dad, thanks for changing your life and learning how to love with out anger. J, thanks for sitting up at night with me during my first thunderstorm alone. Your presence was much appreciated. Ryan's family. Thank you for keeping us a part of your lives, and loving us just the same, and for accepting my new love with as open of arms as can be expected.

My friends. Rik and Nina, you were the first friends I broke down in front of. The first ones to come and just hang out the night before the visitation, still giving me the impression that I was still normal :-) For being there no matter what you sacrificed to do so. Sarah, thank you for our renewed friendship, through everything I still love you, and your new family, as much as I did before. Donna, for being a wonderful "adoptive" grandma and mom, also for being a good friend. For my new friends that i have met through John, and for old friends who still remain in my life.

The ability to love. John, I'm sorry if the last few days have been rough. i wasn't kidding when I said I didn't know how to express my emotion. I'm sorry if I have lashed out at you unexpectedly or unjustly. Sometimes the things in my head just find a funny way out. It's no excuse though. On this day especially I remember how important it is to love you with all my heart and I'm blessed that you have the knowledge to try and understand what happened to me and how I'm feeling. I don't want to ever make you feel like you are not important to me. I would mourn you in the same way god forbid something would happen to you. I want to grow old with you, but this weekend reminds me that it may not happen. I can only hope it does....

So now that I have went from one end of the spectrum to the other.... I should go. Two years ago tomorrow my husband died. And I'm gonna remember him and it makes me sad and happy all at the same time.... I hope everyone remembers who they love.....