Wednesday, July 22, 2009

3 years...

Maybe some of you missed it...

Maybe some of you didn't.

But 3 years passed by yesterday (according to the clock, 2 days ago...)

I was busy during the day. I was busy during the night. Still doesn't stop me from remembering... or catching glimpses.

I feel like I NEED to cry. Like I need to let out what was, what is, and what will be...

It's a little different this year tho...

I see his face. I remember his laugh. I remember the way he used to cock his head back before he laughed. I see his face, clear as day...

I can see it in my head... almost like it's real.
I still feel it.

I wonder some days... would he laugh at Izeah? Would he be mad at Zane for what I'm mad at? Would he want to raise the boys like we're raising them? What would he believe, want, need?

But I can't answer that.
I can only know what I would do.

And I'm OK with that. Probably for the rest of my life.
It feels like yesterday... when I stroked his cheek, praying against all medical knowledge I have that he would feel me touching him and wake up. That God would hear my prayers and wake him from his eternal sleep.... but he didn't.
I was ready for that life... but it didn't happen. It went horribly awry. And today, I'm still here. it's not fair, it's not predicatable. It's life.
I know my thoughts are scattered and jumbled, but that's ok too. I've tried for days to think of a blog post that is nice, sincere, and heart felt... but I can't find it. I can only tell you my most honest emotion. And this is probably it...

I still cry... it still sucks. It's still in my everyday thoughts. I bore his children and yet, I'm still here to raise them and he is gone.

I went to mass on the his "anniversary" day. Still don't get it... still wondering how all that faith stuff works...

Any who's... now I'm rambling :)

All I ask, is that you remember who you love. Never be too tired, never be too busy, and never forget to tell someone you love them. I know it's cliche, but it really, seriously, honestly... could be your last chance to say that. Would you regret it?


Love you all (like the 5 people who read this :))

Dana




6 comments:

ChiTown Girl said...

Right back at ya, my sister! I'm sure some days that 3 years feels like 3 minutes, and other days it feels like 3 decades. But, I can only imagine it doesn't really get any easier, huh? I'm sorry that your heart is hurting right now. {{{hugs}}}

Dad said...

Love you daughter!

XOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Dana ~ I did remember Ryan on the 20th...that morning, before we got out of bed, I turned to Ralphie and said.."today was the day Ryan went home...I wonder how sweet Dana will do today!" We laid there and talked about Ryan for several minutes--remembering what a great man he was and what a great father we was to the boys! He was an incredible person...and he would be sooo proud of you Dana for the way you have raised three boys!! (which to me is unbelieveable!) I think about you all the time and am in awe of how strong of a woman you truly are--you amaze me!! Keep crying, keep missing him, keep remembering him...he will forever be in your heart of hearts!! love you to pieces sweetheart!! xoxox!!
auntie s.

Jack said...

Dana,

Once again, a very heartfelt and genuine way to remember someone who left an unforgettable mark on your life and the life of your children. He would have been happy and proud to have seen what you guys have accomplished in your absence.

Take care,

Jack

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Mama Bird said...

I don't even know you and today stumbled onto your blog from who knows where, and felt compelled to say I'm sorry. My eyes are full as this would be one of my worst nightmares as I am sure it is/was yours. Reading things like this reminds me how so much of what we worry over is so ridiculously insignificant by comparison. Thank you for the reminder and I am sorry for you and your children's loss.

Jennoit said...

Well, make the 6 people who have read this. Wandered over here via Jack's blog and your post there today. I can't imagine having to go through Ryan's death like that. Horrid. I am so sorry. And yet you seem to be coping - no, better than coping, LIVING life to its fullest as you should and remembering Ryan in a wonderful, touching way. Best to you.