Thursday, January 3, 2008

Blessed twice.....

So I've learned something else lately....

After Ryan died I had a good many thoughts running through my head about the concepts of love, partnership, being alone, being independent, being strong, and I'm sure many other things but those are just a few....


Ryan was my best friend.... he was a one in a million kind of man that other men want to look up to or want to follow in his footsteps. When he was taken I couldn't belive how unfortunate it was that I had found something so great and lost something that I wondered if I would ever find again....


There were a few trial and errors in the time following. In a long discussion one night with a close friend I was informed (in close to the exact quote)... "Dana, you realize you are a BIG package. You have a lot that comes with being in a relationship with you. You have 3 boys, little boys, and a lot on your plate." I was also told that I had too high of standards for a partner. That I expected too much from one person.


So I sat down and I went over these things in my ever churning mind. I came to a few conclusions about myself....


1. If a man loves me, and not my children, then I can't love him back.... my friend said it right. I AM a BIG package.... but it's MY package and I will never trade my love for the love of my children. They are my life and I am their future.

2. A man can treat my children wonderful but if I'm not happy, then the only place for him is friendship. I will not sacrifice my own happiness of loving someone when it can be a great friendship and still not hurt my children.

3. I am very happy being single for as long as I need to be. I have no problem with having many friends in my life, all of which are there for different reasons. I learned to satisfy my emotional and physical needs from a wide variety of people who are all still in my life today.

4. I will not let my children really know someone unless I am comfortable with it. I will not scar them and have men walking in and out of there lives to satisfy my own needs or wants.

5. I can be a single mother. I don't NEED someone to take their father's place. They have a dad and no one can replace this. He may not be here but I still am and it's my job to care for them.

6. When and if a man is ready to take me and my package on, it also comes with Ryan. His pictures are still up, we speak his name daily, and his children will know who he was, if at least in spirit.


So with all these things..... I sat out on a road of contentment. I was perfectly happy going to bed at night alone. I was perfectly happy with just making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones. I am financially stable and smart enough to not depend on a partner anymore....

Until I met you, John. You fit into my friend category for a long time. We were music buddies, coffee buddies, beer buddies, hanging out in my front yard in PJ's buddies.... for half a year you were just a great person the I was getting to know. I was hell bent on being single and being ok.... until one day it hit me.... I really loved you.


Some how you became that person to me. I let you get to know my boys and you surpassed any of those expectations. You are a wonderful father to your own daughter and you treat my children the same. You have NEVER batted an eye when it comes to them. You laugh and play with them as well as you teach them responsibility and accountability. You treat them as you treat your own. I am proud and confident that you will remain in their lives no matter where our lives take us.... but that brings me to us. You are incredible. You love me like only one other person has before. You accept me for every little part of me. You accept me with Ryan still present in my everyday thoughts and words. You have never made me feel like I have to explain to you how important he was.... You make me realize my own good and my faults. You encourage my independence but are always there for me when I need help. You have never let me down when I have needed you. You make every single day better just waking up next to you. I feel more alive right now then I have for a long time and I have you to thank for that. You also delight me in more ways then you know. I laugh more easily with you then with anyone else. I feel electrified when you look at me, hold me, embrace me, and kiss me. The words you speak to me, and write to me, and whisper to me are better then any flowers or diamonds you could ever buy me. And the best part is that you were my friend first. I feel like I fell in love with you knowing what I needed to know that would make us last and for a long time. And I feel very special thinking about us because I realize I have been blessed twice. I have found not only a one in a million but two in a million and it's amazing. I look forward to knowing even more about you and planning bits of our future with you. I am more in love with you then I thought would be possible for a long time and i am proud to tell the world every bit of this-- especially you.







5 comments:

3 moons and the sea said...

Jeeze, girl, you talk too much. Always flap flap flap yap yap yap with the words. Go be in love already and shut the hell up about it.
~Rik

Nina said...

Um...don't listen to him. He is just lashing out because your post made him teary eyed,lol. Nina ;)

John said...

Wow. You left me speechless with this I hope you know. And, it's not very easy to take my words away. I love you too.

-jd

John said...

John's rebuttal





I've been thinking about this blog since you first gave me the opportunity to read it, the moment I felt the tear well in the corner of my eye and I wiped it away spryly for as to not let you see and I had the immense rush of butterflies fill my belly and felt my heart pounding in my chest. No one has ever put into words such kind things about me in my entire life. I love you for that, for the feeling that you give me, the feelings that I feel to my very core. And so, I felt it was time for my rebuttal, mind all of you reading this, it is very likely that my words are less likely to be eloquent and as well thought out as Dana's...I'm a bit of a rambler when I write...sorry.



But to begin, I wanted to say something about you being a "big package". I've never had that feeling at all you are not a "big package". I think of you more as a big present, the kind you get at Christmas, the one that your parents hide from you until everyone is done opening all of their gifts, and they come into the living room with one more gift for you, the one you really wanted, impeccably wrapped with a giant bow on it. You are a big present, the kind you've waited your whole life for, the one that you feel blessed to receive. Your love is that gift, one that I get to open everyday and see what's inside, the one I've always wanted. But, you are right, Dana, it's a big present, one I absolutely love. I get to spend nearly everyday with your wonderful children, who are in every sense of the word absolutely wonderful. I get to play broomball with your boys in the living room, I get to teach Izeah how to make eggs and teach Zak about making coffee and the importance of using lots of scoops. I've got to build a snowman with them and watch them laugh jubilantly as they sled down a hill of fluffy white snow. I got to have a big boy breakfast with Zane and tell him about the importance of using a fork. I get to hear them laugh and smile and be at the bottom of the dog pile. These things are not a package, they are gifts...gifts that I feel blessed for everyday. I get to hear all three of your boys dote on my own daughter every time her name is mentioned. I am the one who feels blessed here.



I also feel very blessed to hear the words that you speak of Ryan, a man I never met, but I see everyday in the eyes of his children. A man I admire from everything I've ever heard of him. It is a blessing of mine that you share the love you have for him with me when you speak his name. For me it is not a sense of accepting but more of the "big present" I get to open everyday.



But like your words, that brings me to you and the blessing that I feel for having you in my life. Saying you are amazing is an understatement. You are incredible and more. You love me for every little piece of me...even the pieces I hide from others....my reserve, my mystery, my dorkiness, my obsession with the food network....to name a few...these are all things that you love me for...things that make me, me. You are a beautiful woman (stop shaking your head) that I am always happy to stand next to (even when you wear really tall heels), a woman who's smile lights up my world, with beautiful lips that I can never stray too far from....I catch myself walking away from you only to return very abruptly to feel your lips once again. I feel at ease, calm, at peace with my spirit, and graceful being in your presence. I can honestly say I've never felt better or more complete in my entire life. Every challenge that poses itself to me, feels minuscule in nature with you by my side. Everyday is more joyous with you in my life. As I go through the most recent change in my life, I'm excited to have you with me and by my side. And we were friends first, I got to know you on a strictly platonic level as we negotiated our lives to come to a place where I could be completely comfortable giving you all of me, my heart, my love, without reserve or hesitation. We spent many days together drinking coffee or beer talking about music and laughing about life...but now we get to do the same thing with a new and beautiful twist on our friendship....we get to be in love. I feel blessed that we share many of the same goals and dreams and my dreams all are brighter with you and the big present that you are in them.



You are a blessing to me, all of you, you as a big present and all. I spent many moments in my life praying for the blessing of love, when I was ready to become part of my life. This is one blessing that I thank God for every single day. The blessing of you, my big present, you Dana.



-jd

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, my good God, these are two of the absolute most beautiful love letters I've ever been priviledged to read. I'm literally sitting here sobbing. You are two of the luckiest people on this planet to have found each other.

Dana, I just stumbled across your blog tonight because you left a comment on Tesi's blog. I'm glad I clicked on your name and linked to your blog. I haven't been this touched in a long time. I can't wait to read the rest of your posts! :)